November 20, 2009

It's been such a hectic week for me. Too busy till i dun even have a time for my own. Its the same routine everyday. Wake up in the morning, go school, aft school off to hospital. Once i get back home i'll be so shagged. But i dun regret or find it such a hassle to be going to hospital everyday. Its all for my nenek. Be there so she won't be alone. I'll do anything for her. Ive cancelled all the happy plans. Nenek is the only one in my mind right now. Nothing else. I dun even care whatever the occasions are. Even though next wk my cousin beside my mother getting married. I dun wanna go for sure.

Last sunday, nenek was in a very critical state that all of us we told to see her for so called the last time. Her conditioned gets worsen. She was in icu. Ard 12 aftnoon we rushed to hospital. Once we step in the icu, my heart was shattered to million pieces. Nenek had this tube for sucking out her phlegms and not forgetting all kinds of wire attached to her. It was very sad. Abah was the first one to cry then followed by me and my aunt. We read her the prayers and asked to mengucap. It was really really sad that i couldnt stop crying. Then, in the aftnoon everyone agreed to take out this tube that was insert in her body bcoz of her cancer. The doc told us that aft taking out that tube, the chances for her to live maybe 1 min, 1 hour or 3 days. But it all lies in the hand of allah. Then came the moment where everyone gathered in the icu and say some prayers and read the alfatihah for nenek. Again i was sobbing in tears. So do everyone.

Imagine this, nenek was wide awake but not aware of whats happening. I really pity her. I can't bear to lose her. I dun want her to go just bcoz they took out that tube. Then we waited and waited and waited. But alhamdulilah nenek survived till today. Alhamdulilah ya allah. But she had to struggle breathing by herself. On monday her conditioned gets worst. The doc had given up on her and moved her to normal ward. She no longer depends on that oxygen thing to survive. She's on her own. But i noe, we all noe and believe that she's a very strong woman. She fighting to live. She had a strong will to live. She suffered her cancer all alone. She is one strong woman in my life.

Everyday aft school, I rushed off to accompany her. I am really satisfied. I wanna take care of her. But today, her conditioned gets more worst. She couln't wake up when we call her nenek. I hold back my tears. Everyday, when i came i'll kiss her and say assalammualaikum nek. She will reply back. But today she chose not to. We read her the prayers and yasin. I usap2 her hair and chest and say some prayers. Me and cousin really hold back our tears. Why must nenek suffer. Before i went off, i kissed nenek so many times. I am so sad. Nenek is all alone. Tmrw gotta rush to hsptl to accompany nenek. I can never trust the nurse in cgh. So irresponsible.

One thing for sure. Everything happened for a reason. I strongly believe in that. Bcoz of this, our family bonding gets closer. Much closer. Me and the cousins can click well. Alhamdulilah. And it really changed my mindset of thinking. Makes me a stronger and brave person. Insyaallah. Its just that i really pitied nenek. I am etremely sad. Tmrw is the result whether nenek can be brought home or stay longer at the hsptl. If she had to be brought home, we have to rent that oxygen thing to support her.

Deep down inside, im crying out loud. Nenek pls hang on okay? I love you sooooo much. I always doa for you okay nenek? Be strong k we are all here for you.

Nenek pls dun go k? not anytime soon. I love you from the bottom of my heart.
All of us love you. Will always do.

Thank you so much for all those who really understand my situation right now.
I am so sorry afini that i can't be there on your bday. Thanks for understanding and always be my victim to entertained my sadness.




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