November 23, 2009

21 nov, the day i will never forget till my last breath. Nenek pass away. Exactly ard 30 mins aft i came to visit her. We did not expect her to go too soon. We dun see it coming. Neither do i. I didnt noe that was my last time, my last chance to be with her.

That day, I dunnoe why but i got the strong urge to visit nenek early. My heart was telling me not to let nenek be alone. I wanna be the first person to be by herside. But then cik mah came first so i was the second person to be there. When i came cik mah was telling me nenek couldnt wake up. With her eyes closed, nenek was crying. The normal routine when i came i always usap her hair and kiss her forehead. I didnt noe that was my last time kissing her alive. I saw it too, nenek was crying. I wipe off her tears few times. Then abah came. Minutes later, i saw something was not right. Nenek breathing was different. Me and my aunt was panic. I quickly call the doc for help. Aft the doc check my nenek, nenek was salivating coz her mouth was opened. I quickly took tissue and wipe it off. Before that my aunt heard nenek mengucap. I saw it. I really saw it. I saw nenek was dying right before my eyes. I saw every moment. Me and cik mah was there during her last breath.

Unfortunately abah went away for a while. When abah came i told him what happened. The 3 of us was panic. I witness nenek went away. I saw her face from normal skin colour to pale. Then aunt and abah started calling everyone telling them nenek pass away. I stood there dumbstruck. I was in denial. I noe nenek hadnt go yet. Coz the doc told us they are helping to revive nenek. Doc told us that she had stop breathing but her heart still beats. I was shaking with tears flowing down my cheek. Then came the moment doc pronouced her dead. I am still in denial. I was the first person to kiss nenek on her forehead. I couldnt stop crying by then. To me, she was sleeping. Sleeping peacefully.

On the night itself nenek was brought to my uncle house. I read yaasin for nenek 2 times. I still couldnt believe she's gone. The next day was the last day we're gonna see nenek. Aft dikafankn its time for us to kiss her gdbye forever. Before that while they mandikn, i was crying non stop. Coz i kept on flashing back during her last breath. I get to kiss her. It felt so cold. That was the last time. Everyone get to kiss her. I followed to cemetery. We girls are not being encourage to go kubor. So us girls stand from far and look. That was the last time i saw nenek. Again i was sobbing i couldnt control my self. Aft every thing ended. Its time for us to go home. The very minute i knew nenek gonna be alone. All alone. I kept looking at nenek's grave. In my heart i was saying nenek knape nenek pegi..slamat tinggal nek..

I love my nenek soo much. I miss her. I miss her badly. Even abah realised that too. Coz everyday aft sch, i rushed off to hospital to accompany nenek. But now i dun get to do that already. When im going back home, the bus pass by cgh im reminded of nenek. How much i miss her. But at the same time im glad that im there for her till her las breath. Last thursday was my last time calling nenek and gave my salam to her. That was the last time i heard her saying wa'alaikumsalam. On friday she did not wake up. She chose not to. Till today. Nenek was asleep. Ya allah i miss nenek so much. I am badly affected by nenek's death. Today i went sch and they say my face was pale. Im not myself. Not gonna be better anytime soon. It takes time.

How much it hurts me deep down inside knowing that she's gone forever. Now i couldnt accompany nenek anymore. She's all alone. Till now, i can even smell nenek. Everyday i kiss her she had gt this powder smell. I can still hear her cough. Her breath. I miss her. Today in sch i even cried. I miss her badly. But i got to redha. Everyone will go when the time has come.

Al-fatihah
Ning bte Jamal

I miss you nenek. Semoge roh nenek dicucuri rahmat. dan semoge allah tempat kn nenek bersama org2 beriman dan dijaoh kn dari fitnah kubor dan azab api nerake. amin. Nek, nanti kite jmpe kat syurga k? I love you nenek. Wait for me k? I miss you.




+ + +

November 20, 2009

It's been such a hectic week for me. Too busy till i dun even have a time for my own. Its the same routine everyday. Wake up in the morning, go school, aft school off to hospital. Once i get back home i'll be so shagged. But i dun regret or find it such a hassle to be going to hospital everyday. Its all for my nenek. Be there so she won't be alone. I'll do anything for her. Ive cancelled all the happy plans. Nenek is the only one in my mind right now. Nothing else. I dun even care whatever the occasions are. Even though next wk my cousin beside my mother getting married. I dun wanna go for sure.

Last sunday, nenek was in a very critical state that all of us we told to see her for so called the last time. Her conditioned gets worsen. She was in icu. Ard 12 aftnoon we rushed to hospital. Once we step in the icu, my heart was shattered to million pieces. Nenek had this tube for sucking out her phlegms and not forgetting all kinds of wire attached to her. It was very sad. Abah was the first one to cry then followed by me and my aunt. We read her the prayers and asked to mengucap. It was really really sad that i couldnt stop crying. Then, in the aftnoon everyone agreed to take out this tube that was insert in her body bcoz of her cancer. The doc told us that aft taking out that tube, the chances for her to live maybe 1 min, 1 hour or 3 days. But it all lies in the hand of allah. Then came the moment where everyone gathered in the icu and say some prayers and read the alfatihah for nenek. Again i was sobbing in tears. So do everyone.

Imagine this, nenek was wide awake but not aware of whats happening. I really pity her. I can't bear to lose her. I dun want her to go just bcoz they took out that tube. Then we waited and waited and waited. But alhamdulilah nenek survived till today. Alhamdulilah ya allah. But she had to struggle breathing by herself. On monday her conditioned gets worst. The doc had given up on her and moved her to normal ward. She no longer depends on that oxygen thing to survive. She's on her own. But i noe, we all noe and believe that she's a very strong woman. She fighting to live. She had a strong will to live. She suffered her cancer all alone. She is one strong woman in my life.

Everyday aft school, I rushed off to accompany her. I am really satisfied. I wanna take care of her. But today, her conditioned gets more worst. She couln't wake up when we call her nenek. I hold back my tears. Everyday, when i came i'll kiss her and say assalammualaikum nek. She will reply back. But today she chose not to. We read her the prayers and yasin. I usap2 her hair and chest and say some prayers. Me and cousin really hold back our tears. Why must nenek suffer. Before i went off, i kissed nenek so many times. I am so sad. Nenek is all alone. Tmrw gotta rush to hsptl to accompany nenek. I can never trust the nurse in cgh. So irresponsible.

One thing for sure. Everything happened for a reason. I strongly believe in that. Bcoz of this, our family bonding gets closer. Much closer. Me and the cousins can click well. Alhamdulilah. And it really changed my mindset of thinking. Makes me a stronger and brave person. Insyaallah. Its just that i really pitied nenek. I am etremely sad. Tmrw is the result whether nenek can be brought home or stay longer at the hsptl. If she had to be brought home, we have to rent that oxygen thing to support her.

Deep down inside, im crying out loud. Nenek pls hang on okay? I love you sooooo much. I always doa for you okay nenek? Be strong k we are all here for you.

Nenek pls dun go k? not anytime soon. I love you from the bottom of my heart.
All of us love you. Will always do.

Thank you so much for all those who really understand my situation right now.
I am so sorry afini that i can't be there on your bday. Thanks for understanding and always be my victim to entertained my sadness.




+ + +

November 14, 2009

Hey all. I'm back after such a long time of mia-ing. hah. Blame my pc for being dead for such a long time. Now bro's lappy is my only hope haha.

So my life is kind of in a mess right now. Gotta deal with loads of things yet so little time. This month is full of obstacles. Allah is giving me the biggest test in my life. I am no loger strong to face all these by myself.

Had alot of trouble in school. Iap sux big time! Teachers are being teachers. If only killing is not a sin, i would have done so. Teachers can go n fly kite! To me all teachers are the same. They love to abuse their power as a teacher. Never once in my life i met the most kinddest teacher. In my dream i guess. Nvm. its ok. Karma will get back to you damn heartless beasts!

Ok. enough bout school. I am not feeling gud right now. My heart is shattered to pieces. I am so sad. Ver very sad indeed. The fact of losing someone you love is so heartbreaking. Like ive said this is a biggest test for me. Nenek had been hospitalised since last week. Its over a week already. And now she's in icu. Fighting for her life. How much ive shed my tears won't make my sadness go away. But i have to redha. I know she's leaving us. I know it. She's been rambling nonsense eversince she's in icu. Im so heart broken to see her suffering.

Two days ago i went to visit her. She mistook me for my cousin. She couldnt even remember who just visited her a while ago. I doubt so if she can recall who i am. The minute i went in, i tried to stay calm holding back my tears seeing her with all kinds of wires being attached to her. A tube insert in her nose making it hard for her to communicate, with her both hands swelling my heart sunk. Then when its time for me and my aunt to make a move, nenek suddenly said sumthing that made me cried like someone just whacked me.

aunt:mak kite balik dulu eh?
nenek:ah yelah mak mintak maaf eh..

I knew i couldn't hold back my tears. I was sobbing in tears when i heard her saying that. When i wanted to go i usap usap her hair and told her nek pegi dulu eh. Then i went to my aunt and parents and told them wat happened. Paisey jap mate hidung sume merah. In my mind wondering why does she say that? why must she apologise? I know its the sign. And today was even more worst. Nenek told my uncle something that made me went speechless.

nenek:tadi ade budak kecik dtg sini mak tkde duit nk bagi budak tu..

I cried again when i was showering. Im ready to face whatever the fate is. Though im not strong enough to face all these. I'll frequent myself to visit her so i wont have any regrets if anything were to happen. I love my nenek n will always do. Nenek will always be in my prayers.

Ya allah kau ampunkan lah segala dosa nenek ku. Kau berikanlah ketabahan hati utk kami semua. amin.

ps: nek jgn pergi tinggal kn kite dulu k??




+ + +
* about
Jda
* daily reads
enter your links here.
* credits
senseless please leave my link for acknowledgement purposes.